I have United Health Care Insurance through my job. Well I guess, in my office at least, they’re tired of covering pigs and began offering incentives for members to get it together. They did the blood screenings where I won back over $300 dollars a year with solid blood pressure, cholesterol, and glucose but missed on BMI. BMI by the way is a piece of shit, The Rocks obese by their standards, whoever invented that can kick rocks.

The last way they allow you to get another $100 off you annual premiums is to slap on a free Fitbit and average 10,000 steps a day during the six week program.

I’m a numbers guy, always have been. It’s why I pretended to be an engineering major before I was an accountant. Recently I bit hard on fantasy baseball because it was so number centric and I joked that it was like a drug. I’d distract myself at work during the day analyzing that evening’s matchups and dialed into any action I could.

Ha-ha “fantasy baseball is a drug right?”

Fuck.

No.

These Fitbits are pretty much boot top heroine. I’m the gambling addict in commercials who’s missed his kids birthday party.

You see, in addition to the program goal of 10,000 steps (give or take, about 5 miles) the Fitbit app my bracelet is connected to awards me with badges. And these badges feel good. Really good

Walked up 10 flights of stairs? Have a badge.

10,000 miles? Have a badge.

Badges are pretty much Cold Stone ice cream and I gotta have it… If you didn’t laugh at that zinger I crafted in my Fitbit delusion at 2am here’s another. Badges are pretty much Pokemon and I gotta have them all…

Saturday came and I finally had an entire day to get my 10,000 steps out of the way early you know what that meant? At 10:45 at night I wanted more. I needed more. I layered up and marched into the night. I wanted that 15k. Down the street, up the street, zig zagging, doing circles in the cul de sac.

I thought I had won, I had my 15,000. I walk in the front door ready to boast my achievement to my girlfriend and what is she doing? Marching up and down the hallway like a stir crazy junkie.

She also bought herself a Fitbit so her and I were then actively competing for steps in their “Weekend Warrior Contest.” She was hungry for steps too
so why not make a date out of it and go back out into the winter night for another walk.

Up the street, down the street, more circles in more cul de sacs. Finally we got to the couch, crashed down and review our progress on the app. It was 11:45 and I had just over 19,000.

Without hesitation I grabbed my coat and was back on the trail, except this time I was Jack Bauer up against the clock. Brisk walks turned into all out sprints. I only had a few minutes left in the day and needed that 20,000 badge.

Pretty sure I was ready to drop dead of a heart attack at any moment. By the time I finally slowed down and checked my Fitbit the clock had already struck midnight and thus the days counter had reset. I turned back to the house, marched up the stairs and opened my app and searched for the 20,000 step badge I had to have won.

I fell short by 204 steps… 204 steps. That’s as many as I rack up walking to the bathroom. I could have switched the Fitbit to my dominant hand and rubbed one out to get 204 virtual steps.

Fitbit has consumed me. I’m already chomping at the bit, ready for the sun to come up and I can get my 20,000 steps out of the way early just as I did the obligatory 10,000 the day prior.

I’m on a dangerous path but damnit it feels so good. Time to go to bed but don’t worry I’m still wearing my Fitbit. It tracks my sleep and charts out when I flail during the night indicating how terrible of a sleeper I am…

Can’t stop. Won’t stop. Gotta have it.