We’ll start off today with a little fun a magician recently had with a baboon on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

If you did not already know, as the Chinese New Year on February 8th, we are now in the Year of the Monkey.  If you’re anything like me you’ve spent the last 12 years at your local Chinese restaurant staring at the menu bored by goats, horse, snakes, and roosters.

Perhaps its the tight evolutionary roots to humans, but there is a certain it factor primates hold over all other creatures.  There is a reason “apeshit” is so strong and its because primates are universally respected and admired.

You want to clean up this country? We need people to give up the infatuation with cat videos on YouTube.  There are literally a bajaillion times more entertaining videos out there starring monkeys instead of stinkin cats.  I spent a lot of time on the couch watching basketball and apparently someone told the Subway marketing team that they can scare me into eating fresh but threatening to cut off cat videos.

Having watched that propaganda, I’m going straight to grease for lunch after I post this.  If we’re going to make America great again its going to be on the coat tails of monkey videos on YouTube.

And with that let’s power rank the best monkeys out there.

Dead Last: The Apes from Planet of the Apes

No freakin thank you.  As cute as they may be at times, there nothing more horrifying that a gaggle of monkeys who want to eradicate the human race and take over the earth.

Second to Last: The Wicked Witch’s Flying Monkey’s

Did the Winged Monkey’s scare the hell out of me and give me nightmare? You betchya.  I however like to think they were just some misguided primates who feel under spell to the Wicked Witch and lost their way. Still a lot of potential here if they use their powers for good.

On to the best.

Number 11: Monkey Bread

In your face Subway.  I’ll take the caloric deliciousness of monkey bread over your fresh garbage food any day of the week.

Number 10: Victory Brewing’s ‘Golden Monkey’

A Belgian-inspired ale weighing in at 9.5% ABV is an economic drinkers wet dream.  Before IPA’s were putting us down, Golden Monkey was the way to stretch your dollar to the best drunk possible.

Number 9: Francine Frensky

One of those sneaky fact’s that kids shows used to hide in plain sight, Arthur’s buddy Francine had a short hair cut, was great at sports, and her best friend was “muffy.” Not sure we get closeted lesbians like this on tv anymore these days.

Number 8: Curious George

George gets a lot of points for being so cute but in the last 6 months I’ve purchased two puppies.  I feel for the man in the yellow hat who no doubt is in a padded room somewhere in the fetal position.

Number 7: King Kong

King Kong has been unfairly portrayed on the wrong side of propaganda.  Was he on top of skyscrapers terrorizing New York City? Perhaps. But you have to know better when you take the beast out of his natural habitat and thinking it can work.  I never blame the primates who rip off their owners face.  They’re cute and worth admiring on an innocuous blog, not in your living room.

Number 6: Donkey Kong

DK gets a bad rap for launching barrels at Mario but lets be real here, he was the tits in Mario Kart.  He had the size of a Bowser but came with enough elusiveness to weave through the rest of the field.  I spent a lot of time in 2010 destroying Mario Kart Wii on the shoulders of ole DK.

Number 5: Marcel

Loved me some Marcel.  A monkey who could throw his favorite jams in and rock out is my kind of monkey.  Having belonged to that doofus Ross however hurts Marcel’s ultimate ranking.

Number 4: King Louie

Talk about swagger.  Louie just wanted to be a human but it’s probably a good think he wasn’t because if he was he would have cleaned house and taken all the women for himself.

Number 3: Rafiki

“The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”

Had it not been for Rafiki Scar would have run the world into the ground.  Rafiki’s wisdom made Simba whole and ultimately saved the day.

Number 2: Abu

Abu set the bar for BFF’s across the globe.  That kind of loyalty to Aladdin was priceless and through body language alone, Abu could own the room.

Number 1: The Rock

Was there ever any chance the guy nicknamed “The Great One” and “The People Champ” wasn’t going to be number one? His spirit animal is a Silverback Gorilla, and it doesn’t appear to be too much of an exaggeration.

What a time to be alive, here’s to a happy and healthy Year of the Monkey!

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