The Divas Revolution has been taking place for the better part of two years. We’ve had WWE Network specials telling the story. We’ve see women’s matches main event Raw, we’ve seen them main event what we used to consider pay-per-views. Most recently we saw Alexa Bliss and Becky Lynch main event Smackdown Live in a steel cage no less.
Tuesday night I came to the conclusion, privately, that the revolution would not be complete until we had ourselves an all female Royal Rumble with the same prize the men have battled for for almost 30 years. Naturally I sent this out to my closest wrestling friend, perhaps I should have taken that thought to Twitter because hours later he send me a link to ESPN.com where The Brian Campbell published a piece calling for a women’s Royal Rumble.
Damnit, that means its officially your baby and you get the kudos one day when it actually happens. Unfortunately unless Triple H reads what I have to offer it does not look like there’s enough time to see a women’s Royal Rumble on this years show.
Here I present the entirely fictional 2017 Women’s Royal Rumble…
Same rules you’re used to 30, nay, 20 of WWE’s elite female competitors will enter, one will walk out with a date with a WWE Women’s Champion of their choosing at the grandest stage of them all Wrestlemania. Competitors must still throw their opponent over the top rope and both feet still need to hit the floor but the big difference with the Women’s Royal Rumble is the loser of the two championship matches will be named #1 & #2 in the Rumble and have to claw their way to the end if they want another crack at the title.
But first we have some championships to decide.
A matchup we’ve long waited to see won’t have the payoff we want, no one expects Bayley to knock of the Queen of PPV but that doesn’t mean her night is a complete wash, Bayley enters the Rumble at 1 and looks to get another shot at Wrestlemania.
In light of these weeks terrific cage match, its unlikely we will see another match at the Royal Rumble so we’ll go ahead and pencil in Becky Lynch as entrant #2.
We cut to the preshow panel giving out their picks. Bayley and Becky are mentioned as two of the best options to run the table and win, and wonder if Sasha’s knee will hold up an help her main event her second Wrestlemania in two years. With that said we cut to the back to find an incapacitate Sasha Banks with Mick Foley rushing to the scene to find out what went wrong. Shades of the 2004 Royal Rumble where Test was incapacitate opening the door for a surprise Mick Foley entry, Foley now finds himself scrambling to find a replacement….
“AND NOW… IT IS TIME FOR THE FIRST EVER… WOMEN’S…ROYAL..RUMBLE…MATCH”
Bayley is out first to a thunderous pop and stretches in the ring waiting for number 2, her former four hourse woman, Becky Lynch.
The two women exchange smiles but understand their friendship will be put on hold as its every woman for themselves. The WWE Universe looks on as the two competitors work a highly technical match back and forth between finding themselves at a stalemate….
“THIS IS AWESOME….THIS IS AWESOME…”
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
Business is about to pick up. Only a few weeks on the job and Mickie James already has an enemy in Becky Lynch and immediately goes after her but can only get in a few shots before Bayley jumps in and we have ourselves a rare face over heel 2 on 1 advantage taking place.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
Dana Brooke enters at number 4 and immediately goes after Bayley. We get our first elimination tease of the night as Brooke flips Bayley over the top rope but Becky Lynch makes the save keeping all 4 women in the ring. The women pair off in opposite corners trying to make history eliminating the first woman.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
After starting off with two faces, we now have our third heel in the ring and she immediately starts working with Mickie James kicking Becky Lynch in the corner but Becky is able to escape and duck a punch and counters with a clothesline to Mickie James over the top rope for the first ever elimination in the Women’s Royal Rumble. A pissed off Mickie James looks in shock for a minute before climbing back into the ring and attacking Becky Lynch from behind. With Bayley on the wrong end of an attack from Carmella and Dana Brooke Mickie James tosses Becky Lynch over the top rope before continuing her beatdown outside the ring as officials race to separate the two.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
THE PREMIERE OF EMMALINA!!!
Dana and Carmella take a break from the Bayley Beatdown to exchange a laugh and look to the stage of the premiere we’ve all been waiting for. As Emmalina emerges from the curtain Bayley finds her breath and tosses Dana Brooke out of the ring. Carmella goes on the attack by Bayley locks on and belly to belly tosses Carmella out of the ring just as Emmalina enters. Emmalina approaches Baley to sneak attack but when Bayler turns around and catches blocks her punch, Emmalina comes to the conclusion that she worked too hard for this new image and takes herself over the top rope leaving only Bayley in the ring as she waits for number 7.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
Alicia Fox enters at number 7 and immediately goes after Bayley, who is starting to show signs of fatigue. As Bayley starts a comeback Alicia Fox is one step ahead of her with another move getting Bayley to the ground but not helping Alicia Fox’s chance of eliminating this first entrant.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
The longest reigning Diva’s champion enters at number 8 and Alicia turns her focus to Nikki and Bayley lays in the corner trying to catch her breath. Alicia Fox gets Nikki over the top rope but Nikki holds on to Alicia’s hair and pulls her onto the apron along side her.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
OH MY GOD BRIE BELLA IS BACK!
Brie begins walking down the ramp to a thunderous ovation as her sister and Alica continue to struggle on the apron. Just as Brie is about to ascend the stairs we get word from the Smackdown GM…
“NO! NO! NO!”
Daniel Bryan races down the ramp to stand between his wife and the ring and says he will not allow his 6 month pregnant wife inside the WWE ring. Brie does not argue her husbands decision but does trip Alicia Fox on the apron causing her to fall to the floor before exchanging a smile with her sister and leaving the arena with her husband.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
While we haven’t seen the Ravishing Russian in ring since Wrestlemania that’s not say she hasn’t been training in Florida. Lana jumps into the ring and immediately draws heat going after Nikki Bella in the corner. Bayley finds her second (third?) wind and makes the save to a big pop taking down Lana.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55WQUCpxV54
Smackdown Live’s sexy light show hits the ring and continues where Lana left off taking the attack to Nikki Bella but Nikki is able to dodge a punch and put a little of her own offense together as Lana and Baley continue to work on one another in the opposite corner. Nikki gets Naomi to the top rope but instead of going for the elimination Nikki suplexes Naomi back to the ring taking the breath from both women.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
Nikki Bella does not have much time to compose herself after that superplex because here comes a ticked off Natalya quickly on the attack. The announcers remind us that Bayley has been in this match now for over 15 minutes as she continues to try to wrestle Lana over the top rope to no avail. The catfight on the other side of the ring escalates from hair pulling to punching back and forth on the ground. After Nikki appears to get the upper hand however Namoi is back in the action with a crushing clothesline as all 5 competitors are showing signs of fatigue trying to catch their breath.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qf1UVD5xTjI
The three time Divas/Women’s Champion Maryse enters at number 13 and isn’t coming alone with her husband in tow coaching up his wife’s first in ring action in almost 6 years. Maryse gets into the ring and is an equal opportunist ass whooper delivering blows to all five women. Maryse tosses Naomi over the top rope but doesn’t finish the job before turning to Lana and doing the same. With two women standing on the apron Maryse delivers a series of clothesline to Bayley, Nikki Bella, and Natalya. She looks to the outside for affirmation from her cheerleader slash husband The Miz as he nods in approval.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
Ohhhhh myyyyyy
If anyone was going to trigger Maryse with claims of being stylish and elegant, Eva Marie was the perfect woman. With the nights third big return the crowd anxiously looks on but are not seeing their favorite redhead. Smackdown Live GM again emerges from the curtain as Maryse checks her back to make sure everyone is still down.
“I know everyone was looking forward to seeing Eva Marie tonight but in light of the last minute decision to have the first Women’s Royal Rumble, Eva Marie could not make the necessary travel accommodations for tonight’s show.”
“BOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
“I know I know, here I am robbing you all of a second competitor in tonight’s Rumble so I went ahead and convinced a woman we all love and admire to suit up and come out from behind the announcers desk lady’s and gentlemen, I give you “RENEE YOUNG”
The crowd goes nuts as Maryse’s jaw drops and waits for number 14. As she waits for Renne to come down the ramp, Renee comes from the preshow desk in the crowd and attacks Maryse from behind. Using not particular strategy Renee jumps at Maryse’s upper body taking them both over the top rope and crashing to the floor where the brawl continues before The Miz and other WWE personnel try to separate the ladies.
The excitement at #14 leaves 5 women fighting to get back to their feet as the crowd waits for number 15….
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMj4xwSpPgA
OHHHHHH MYYYYY
The crowd goes nuts cheering the return of Tamina Snuka… yes that Snkua… as in the recently deceased Jimmy Super Fly Snuka. You wondered why WWE went nuts honoring the late superfly after he had issues with the law stemming around a potential murder but it all makes sense now as it was a piece of PR to remind fans how awesome he was and thus how awesome Tamina is.
She gets into the ring and makes quick work of Lana tossing her over the top rope before turning her attention to Namoi and eliminating her. Natalya goes for the sneak attack but Tamina is able to fight back knock Natalya into the ropes before Nikke Bella comes with full momentum and clotheslines Natayla over the top rope. The referees having learned from Mickie James earlier in the evening are quick to get Natalya to the back before she can attack Nikki who is still alive in the ring and left to battle with Tamina and Bayley who yes is still around.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
We make history tonight with the first Hall of Fame entrant into the Royal Rumble as Lita comes out to a thunderous ovation. As she makes her way down the to the ring, Tamina continues her dominance throwing Nikki out of the before turning her attention to Lita.
Lita musters up little offense before Tamina continues he dominance and tosses the Hall of Famer out of the ring. Bayley works herself to her feet and prepares to end this run from Tamina as attention turns back to the clock.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDDs4VNL77Q
Business has officially picked up. Nia already has been connected to the Sasha Banks beat down before the rumble and now the human wrecking ball heads into the Rumble with the next biggest woman on the roster on a hot streak and waiting for her biggest opposition.
Nia slides into the ring and goes nose to nose with Tamina before delivering a giant punch and taking the attack to the corner and peppering Tamina with body blows. After taking Tamina down the mat she turns to Bayley and like a run away train, uses all her body weight to crush her in the corner. Nia picks up Bayleys limp body and throws it over her should and moves towards the ropes but Baley wiggles loose and gets back to her feet and drop kicks Nia who falls between the ropes to the apron. Tamina flies in from out of no where to knock Nia to the floor but remember she did not go over the top rope so she is still in the match. Tamina slides out of the ring and picks Nia up throwing her into the stairs and shocks the world as she continues to beat down one of WWE’s most dominant women in recent memory.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
Not exaclty a Hall of Fame return… yet… wink wink. The Glamazon returns to WWE with Rumble exprience as the old female to eiminate a male in a Royal Rumble when she used a lip lock to eliminate the Great Khali. Bayley nods and welcomes one of her favorite former competitors but wastes little time taking it to Beth. Outside Tamina rolls Nia into the ring and turns to the crowd for a loud pop before rolling back in. That hesitation creates the opening Nia needs and quickly clotheslines Tamina over the top rope eliminating her. With a nasty smile across her face she heads to the other side of the ring and picks Baley up like a sack of potatoes and tosses her aside and focuses on the Hall of Famer. After a crushing Samoan drop she picks up Beth Phoneix and takes her time pointing to the four sides of the ring asking the audience where to toss Beth. She finally launches her over the top rope as the 19th women prepares to enter.
In a match featuring several major returns the WWE Universe gets to see the former Miss Wrestlemania for the first time in years. After hogging the spot light for a moment she runs down the ring and slides under the bottom rope where Nia is quick to deliver a clothesline and sets a record for fastest elimination and challenges Santina’s cousin Santino for the fast Rumble elimination ever.
Nia turns to Baley and delivers another huge Samoan drop and hoists Bayley on her shoulder preparing to eliminate her as #20 prepares to enter.
“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”
“WHAT! NO WAY! WE THOUGHT SASHA BANKS HAD BEEN INCAPACITATED BEFORE THE MATCH!!!!”
To the loudest pop of the night, a clearly hurting Sasha Banks emerges from the curtain and immediately catches Nia’s attention who drops Bayley and focuses soley on Sasha Banks. Sasha limps down the ring and is patient to get in the ring waiting for the right moment to enter. With Nia’s full attention Bayley has time to get to her feet and attack Nia. Sasha slides in and helps with the two on one but the strong Nia Jax is able to overcome and pushes both women back and hits a double clothesline.
EVA MARIE IS HERE AFTER ALL!
False alarm it turns out Eva Marie IS here after all! The only problem is Rene Young took her spot at #14 so she does not have a spot. All 4 referees convene at the bottom of the ramp to inform Eva she will not be allowed to enter. Meanwhile in the ring Nia tosses Sasha Banks over the top rope and onto the floor in front of the announcers. Paying homage to Eddie Gurerro, no referee saw her feet touch so Sasha slides back into the ring she is still alive.
The referees work to get Eva Marie to the back as Nia yells something at Eva Marie. Meanwhile Sasha re enters the ring and instead of going after Nia, shocks the world and clothesline Bayley over the top rope eliminating her after she lasted a championship match and over a half hour in the rumble.
It’s clear no friendship is going to get in the way of Sasha Banks goal of becoming World Champion again. After 20 women have entered we are down to our final two Nia Jax and Sasha.
They’ve battled for weeks and now it comes to a head. Sasha throws any offense she can muster at Nia however is not strong enough to get her to the ground let alone of the top rope. Nia gets Sasha onto the apron and hits a big clothesline but Sasha is able to hold on and skin the cat back into the ring.
Nia hits a few more kicks before picking up Sasha and hitting a Samoan drop. Not much left for Sasha as Nia picks her back up and goes to the ropes to dump her out but Sasha holds on and uses the ropes as leverage to pull Nia over the top and onto the apron with her. Both exchange punches on the apron and after a kick to the Nia’s gut it looks like Sasha may have it but Nia digs deep and nails Sasha with a devestating elbow which appears to knock her out cold as her limp body falls to the floor and NIA JAX WINS THE FIRST WOMENS ROYAL RUMBLE!
Nia enters the ring to a decent sized pyro and points to the Wrestlemania sign. Is it her destiny to take on Charlotte at Wrestlemania or after several month on the Raw Brand is Nia headed to Smackdown Live.
This rumble has all the nostalgic pops and does a great job setting up the future of the women’s division. Nia heads to mania to take on Charlotte. After teasing a heel turn Sasha and turn her attention to Baley meanwhile on Smackdown Natalya and Nikki continue their feud as do Mickie James and Becky Lynch.
Sure I left a lot of great names off. I wanted to keep it to 20 soas not to kill the live crowd with two long rumbles. Plus with it being the first rumble there was a lot to offer right off the bat and opportunities to save other talent like Paige and AJ Lee for next years rumble.
I would have love for Asuka to debut here too but tried to keep WWE’s current storylines relevant here and I think they’re building Nia for a Mania run.
So what do you think? Hit me up on Twitter @TheYuppieYinzer and let’s discuss.
TheYuppieYinzer 