A day after Jamie Dixon accepted a job at his alma mater TCU, Pitt’s head coaching search appeared to be off to a roaring start. The pride and joy of Ellwood City, former Pitt Alum, and current Arizona Head Coach Sean Miller would make an excellent coach.
In world where everyone wants to be the first to break the scoop, KDKA’s Rich Walsh was the guy on the beat, reporting that not only was there interest, but an offer, and Sean was even in town! Makes a lot of sense, he’s an alumni returning home and lets face it, Sean would probably much rather enjoy coaching in the cooler climate after going viral this weekend with a sweat job that will live on in Twitter infamy.
Fast foward a whooping 20 minutes late and look at that Sean’s composing a tweet! I bet he’s announcing that he accepted the job…
We’ll start off today with a little fun a magician recently had with a baboon on America’s Funniest Home Videos.
If you did not already know, as the Chinese New Year on February 8th, we are now in the Year of the Monkey. If you’re anything like me you’ve spent the last 12 years at your local Chinese restaurant staring at the menu bored by goats, horse, snakes, and roosters.
Perhaps its the tight evolutionary roots to humans, but there is a certain it factor primates hold over all other creatures. There is a reason “apeshit” is so strong and its because primates are universally respected and admired.
You want to clean up this country? We need people to give up the infatuation with cat videos on YouTube. There are literally a bajaillion times more entertaining videos out there starring monkeys instead of stinkin cats. I spent a lot of time on the couch watching basketball and apparently someone told the Subway marketing team that they can scare me into eating fresh but threatening to cut off cat videos.
Having watched that propaganda, I’m going straight to grease for lunch after I post this. If we’re going to make America great again its going to be on the coat tails of monkey videos on YouTube.
And with that let’s power rank the best monkeys out there.
Dead Last: The Apes from Planet of the Apes
No freakin thank you. As cute as they may be at times, there nothing more horrifying that a gaggle of monkeys who want to eradicate the human race and take over the earth.
Second to Last: The Wicked Witch’s Flying Monkey’s
Did the Winged Monkey’s scare the hell out of me and give me nightmare? You betchya. I however like to think they were just some misguided primates who feel under spell to the Wicked Witch and lost their way. Still a lot of potential here if they use their powers for good.
On to the best.
Number 11: Monkey Bread
In your face Subway. I’ll take the caloric deliciousness of monkey bread over your fresh garbage food any day of the week.
Number 10: Victory Brewing’s ‘Golden Monkey’
A Belgian-inspired ale weighing in at 9.5% ABV is an economic drinkers wet dream. Before IPA’s were putting us down, Golden Monkey was the way to stretch your dollar to the best drunk possible.
Number 9: Francine Frensky
One of those sneaky fact’s that kids shows used to hide in plain sight, Arthur’s buddy Francine had a short hair cut, was great at sports, and her best friend was “muffy.” Not sure we get closeted lesbians like this on tv anymore these days.
Number 8: Curious George
George gets a lot of points for being so cute but in the last 6 months I’ve purchased two puppies. I feel for the man in the yellow hat who no doubt is in a padded room somewhere in the fetal position.
Number 7: King Kong
King Kong has been unfairly portrayed on the wrong side of propaganda. Was he on top of skyscrapers terrorizing New York City? Perhaps. But you have to know better when you take the beast out of his natural habitat and thinking it can work. I never blame the primates who rip off their owners face. They’re cute and worth admiring on an innocuous blog, not in your living room.
Number 6: Donkey Kong
DK gets a bad rap for launching barrels at Mario but lets be real here, he was the tits in Mario Kart. He had the size of a Bowser but came with enough elusiveness to weave through the rest of the field. I spent a lot of time in 2010 destroying Mario Kart Wii on the shoulders of ole DK.
Number 5: Marcel
Loved me some Marcel. A monkey who could throw his favorite jams in and rock out is my kind of monkey. Having belonged to that doofus Ross however hurts Marcel’s ultimate ranking.
Number 4: King Louie
Talk about swagger. Louie just wanted to be a human but it’s probably a good think he wasn’t because if he was he would have cleaned house and taken all the women for himself.
Number 3: Rafiki
“The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”
Had it not been for Rafiki Scar would have run the world into the ground. Rafiki’s wisdom made Simba whole and ultimately saved the day.
Number 2: Abu
Abu set the bar for BFF’s across the globe. That kind of loyalty to Aladdin was priceless and through body language alone, Abu could own the room.
Was there ever any chance the guy nicknamed “The Great One” and “The People Champ” wasn’t going to be number one? His spirit animal is a Silverback Gorilla, and it doesn’t appear to be too much of an exaggeration.
Wahlberg, Mackie & The 800lb Hollywood Silverback.
USA TodayAfter roughly nine years, the brewer of Dos Equis beer has decided maybe the world’s reigning “Most Interesting Man” isn’t so interesting anymore. As a result, the tan, suave, impressively bearded “Most Interesting Man in the World” is about to embark on his final journey over the next few months before fading into the pantheon of advertising icons.
Yesterday I acknowledged I was full Team IPA but I would be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that I had quite a few Dos Equis just because the face of their franchise was a rock star. Beer is all about perception*. (*I did a projecting in intro to marketing on Corona many moons ago so I qualify as The Yuppie Yinzer’s chief beer correspondent).
You think I have had the slightest interest in some Jamacian beer? Hell no. Pull a Jamacian off the streets and film him saying “Horray Beer” and before long I’d have those little 4 packs stocking my fridge.
Makes no sense from Dos Equis point of view, they have to know they just got rid of the best idea anyone is going to come up with. Unless the clever son of a gun who came up with the narrated material jet set to another company you have to ride the thing into the ground. Not on a rocket to Mars.
Even if I wasn’t an IPA snob, this would probably be the end of Dos Equis for me. I haven’t set foot in a Men’s Wearhouse since they canned the face of their franchise who used to show up on my television guaranteeing I was gonna ‘love the way I look.’
The good news for The Most Interesting Man in the World is I’m sure bar’s accross the country will have no problem bringing him in for appearances and dumping the cardboard cutout replica they’ve had on display now for years.
Let us raise our glasses to The Most Interesting Man in the World. Thanks for the memes. Thanks for the gifs. May you live on in infamy in comment sections across the internet.
Vine PairIf you’re a big fan of bitter drinks, such as IPAs, Negronis, Boulevardiers and the like, scientists at the University of Innsbruck in Austria have uncovered that you’re also more likely to exhibit malevolent personality traits. The same is true if you crave black coffee or tonic water. Basically, you’re a psycho.
For 28 years I was happy in my beer lane. The second I got a job out of college I got out of the Natty Light/Milwaukee Beast/Keystone lane and admit I was a snob whenever someone who had a job would still slum it with that trash.
Did Blue Moon produce an unsafe amount of farts? Yes. But it was delicious and if you paired it up with some orange liquor you could take the party to eleven real quick. Hell as recently as last August I was still bitter than trendy restaurants were stocking their rotating beers with more and more IPA’s and moving away from surefire wheat hits including Full Pint’s White Lightning.
Then the guy who put beer on the map for me during my adolescence, Stone Cold Steve Austin went and announced he’s getting into the IPA game with Broken Skull IPA.
I found myself at a crossroads. Would I abandon my current drinking pallet and open my brain up to the notion that maybe IPA’s were OK? You’re goddamn right I would. I was all in on some IPA and even if we lived in a shit state that didn’t allow me to ship beer to my door come hell or high water I was not only going to get me some Broken Skull IPA, but also a commemorating glass…
Fast forward a few months and I not only had said IPA and glass, but also some Twitter love from the man himself Stone Cold Steve Austin.
(The Yankee swap part was a complete lie but I was trying to be topical to get some love from Stone Cold.)
Once I was just another IPA snob I had no problem going all in on IPA’s. Fat Head’s Head Hunter all day baby. Now I was the guy going to chain restaurants and having my hopes crushed when all they had was some generic Sam Adams crap IPA, daddy needs his hops.
Other beer’s became literal piss water, just filling my stomach without even so much as a light buzz. My IPA pride could not have been more off the charts and today I flip open the internet only to learn I’m a psychopath….
That’s all folks. I’ll save you the time when I inevitably go off the rails you won’t have to say anything like “oh wow I never saw it coming.” I love myself some IPA and if it mean’s that I’m going nuts one day then so be it.
The fine folks at Pure Dancing With the Stars are hungry for details on the next season coming up after the Bachelor wraps. Their latest finding is the official Dancing With the Stars Twitter following your boy Antonio Brown in addition to professional dancer Sharna Burgess.
The dancing business is BOOOOOOOOOOMING.
We’re still 6+ months out from football season, no better way to supplement this void with more trophy’s for black and yellow royalty.
Now to the question on everybody’s mind, what kind of talent are they gonna pair your boy AB up with?
Lets take a look at the tale of the tape for Sharna Burgess
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Now it’s no surprise a Dancing With the Star’s talent is a certified smokeshow but if that hair is any indication, Antonio’s got himself a nice little firecracker to take him to the top.
Post GazetteDoc Emrick has called exactly one baseball game in his broadcasting career. As a graduate student at Miami (Ohio), he filled in at the last minute for a game against Kent State. Emrick, the national hockey play-by-play man for NBC who has spent more than 40 years calling hockey games, will get another chance at baseball this spring by calling some Pirates spring training games. “I didn’t know anything,” said Emrick, who visited Pirate City Thursday, of that college baseball game in the 1960s. “All we had was a lineup, no media guide, nothing.”
BOOOOM
I’ll be honest, I thought the Bucco Brass absolutely blew it when they didn’t immediately pop on “Good Ole JR” Jim Ross, when he voice interest in the job.
Fast forward a month and out of nowhere this announcement drops that the Doc is in this spring with Mike Emrick calling some of the Pirates spring training games and I’ll admit it, they did not completely blow it. Mike is an A+++++ hire and hopefully this taste leads to a full time gig with the Pirates very soon.
Squibbed across.
Skittered one over.
Knifed away.
Ladled back in.
Speared back to center where it can be galloped at and taken.
No one out there invents vocabulary like Doc and you don’t even need to know what any of his words mean to get up for a game announced by Doc. He’s part of the reason hockey season does not start until May.
I cannot wait to adopt a whole new vernacular for baseball but it’s those four famous word I most look forward to hearing Doc exclaim.
We heard the rumors a few weeks back, but this announcement still tastes so sweet. Our eyeballs thank you Pirates. I love mustard on my hotdog, but absolutely despise it on my team on Sunday’s.
Should have known right out the gate. When Cutch can’t make them look cool on release night it was doomed from the start. It’s a shame too because the jersey is a decent enough look if they just stuck with yellow over that putred mustard.
All I know is that last time the Pirates won the World Series they were wearing the yellows.
Kanye who? Sorry Yeezus but even without the aid of a fashion show and Tidal stream the Steelers franchise running back dropped the hottest disc of the week.
Absolute rock star right here. This guy is doing great work for the punter community, building his brand and electrifying this week during the Super Bowl festivities.
Side note he has a GREAT birthday. Finally found my third in the birthday club golf foursome. May 2nd look it up and find a better three options that The Rock, David Beckham, and Pat McAfee. You can’t.
I think for the most part when you see lightning and hear thunder they are typically pretty far away. Google “thunder sound” and you get that quintessential rumble. Truth is, when you’re right on top of a lightning bolt it is a lot closer to an explosion, as is the case in this video.
On more than one occasion I have heard some lying asshole claim they were struck by lightning and lived to tell the story. They’ll even pepper in some other quirks associated with the event like how their watch was spinning backwards shortly there after.
I’m here today to provide a PSA and let you know anyone who makes this claim in a fucking liar. A real bolt of lightning isn’t some buzzer at Spencer’s or you in your living room replacing a switch without shutting down the power. No, a real lightning sounds like Baghdad in the early 2000’s and should have enough respect to make you want to dive under a table for safety.
The good news is that on the other side of that bolt comes one of the funniest 15 seconds of Youtube you’ll find today. Pretty sure this is the first documented incidence of pure jibberish getting bleeped.
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TheYuppieYinzer 