WPXI A Union Township man was arrested for simple assault and harassment after he allegedly punched another man and ransacked a home because he didn’t get a Big Mac, according to authorities.

Police said Thomas Veres, 47, became irate when he returned home Wednesday to find that the other man, 58, had eaten three Big Macs without saving one for him.

Good for the police on this one. Forget about being locked up for assault, this guy should be tossed in the loony bin for being the slightest bit angry that he missed out on a left over Big Mac. Any sane person knows the only way to eat McDonalds is fresh, if you’ve ever played the role of Mr. Nice Guy and taken drive-thru back home its a clear difference in quality. Every second that food goes uneaten it becomes twice as shitty and forget about any help from a microwave. Next to curing the common cold, reheating McDonalds has stumped the smartest scientists for decades.

Shock of the century that this took place in Union Township and not the McDonalds on Smithfield. True story, the 500 block of Smithfield Street downtown is the single most scummy place in the entire city. I think every bus route has a stop in front of that McDonalds and it is not uncommon to see guys like Mr. Veres here asking for some spare change.

Speaking of McDonalds, last week they announced the implementation of kiosk’s allowing guests to fully customize their orders. It’s not my style to brag but The Yuppie Yinzer called it. This is a savy PR move making it seem like they give a shit about their customer while the execs laugh straight to the bank since these kiosks just cut about 5 employees at every restaurant.

  
Good guy Jeff Reed’s just trying to find work? Could the “Riot Punch Drinking, Field Goal Kicking, Pittsburgh Phenomenon” be due for a comeback?? 

For many Pirate’s fans, they spent a large part of their life supporting a dreck franchise unable to sniff a winning season let alone a pennant or championship. While other teams in the city were adding rings to their thumb and hoisting Stanley Cups, the Pirates continued to be the cities largest blemish. 

It was easy to ignore the Buccos and the organization knew that and worked hard to entice ticket sales. A new ball park played host to all kinds of fun games between innings including the pierogi races and the mystery box trivia.  After years catering to the kids and non-traditional baseball fans something happened, the Pirates got good. 

They added a face of the franchise, drafted the local hot shot and elevated the play of players other teams sold at pennies on the dollar believing the tank was empty. These days the play on the field is championship level but unfortunately those in the stands are not doing their part to turn in championship performances. 

It’s all cute and fun when the game is telecast on Root Sports but it’s becoming a real issue when these clowns are shown on ESPN and being mocked by cities with hardcore baseball fans in Philly, Chicago, and St Louis. 

Take this guy for example. 

 
The worst people at a ballgame are those wearing the hat of a team not even playing. I’ll welcome the out of town trolls under the conditions that they welcome being openly mocked when they’re swept in a 4 game series nationally televised. *Cough cough* Cardinals. I have no idea what this call, well refer to him as BJ, was thinking buying tickets to a Pirates – Dodgers game nor why BJ brought and dressed up his date. 

The next equally offensive Yinzer in attendance was real excited to catch a game under the lights. So excited in fact that that he thought he’d bring his camera along for a few snapshots. 
  

This issue extends outside the confines of PNC park. Under no circumstance is it acceptable to whip your your iPad and use its camera to capture a moment. A. You look like a first ballot assclown and B. Technically speaking, the lens in an iPad is garbage and you’re better off using the tablet to google a picture someone else likely already took with a real camera. 

I don’t mean to offend all 38,362 paying customers but unfortunately the director for these marquee games will find the laughing stocks in the stands and exploit them to the national audience. We need to make a concerted effort now to nip this in the bud. If the Pirates are going to continue their winning ways we need PNC to be the kind of place that heckles the shit out of the bad guys. Remember Johnny Cueto turning to mush in the 2013 Wild Card game after those Cueeeeee-to chants? We need that every night. 

Last month when Sunday Night Baseball was in town for the final game of the Cardinals series we were coming off the most exciting comeback on the previous night. In that contest the Bucs dug the self another hole and when they gained some momentum late in the game the people in the house were more interested in a wave going around the ball park than Cutch at the plate in a position to tie the game. 

The real MVP of last night was the Nana who after 60 years as a season ticket holder finally got that souvenir every fan longs for. 

  
Ata girl. 

Previously on The Yuppie Yinzer https://theyuppieyinzer.com/2015/08/10/time-is-a-flat-circle-ex-steeler-kicker-jeff-reed-kicked-out-of-the-hof-game/

Update: Since The Yuppie Yinzer is fair and balanced, we’ll give Jeff the floor to defend himself…

Seem’s as tho Jeff got baited by some jerk but it’s only fair to get that side of the story as well..

https://twitter.com/LRJenkinshungry/status/630624397720580098

Let’s play who’s the liar?

Option A, Jeff blacked the night out and his PR friend fed him this apology. Likelihood? Decent.

Option B, some asshole 40 year old really was being a dick and good guy Jeff Reed left. This guy LeRoy Jenkins witnessed it all go down and a light bulb went off to lie and masquerade as the guy Jeff Reed really fought. He took a risk thinking the asshole 40 year old wouldn’t chase Twitter fame and LeRoy could sneak in and get some retweets.

https://twitter.com/LRJenkinshungry/status/630603461877370880

Likelihood? Very. As evident when the story broke, there were plenty of people in attendance who understand how Twitter fame works and fired off all kinds of photographs documenting the story. Without the aid of any photos or videos, the picture that’s been painted tells me LeRoy’s was not the guy Jeff fought….

  
How do you plead LeRoy?

I don’t want, I NEED my “smart” TV to find a way to cut to these guys for every Kang at bat. That’s the kind of genuine excitement I’m not getting from these nationally broadcast games with Dan Shulman.

BTW, can someone in the organization please steal my idea and get the Kang Gong hanging in left field? It’s mid August and I cannot go another minute without the satisfaction of a gong going off as Kang circles the pillows after another tater.

DeadSpin Jeff Reed no longer plays in the NFL, but the former Steelers kicker showed up in the crowd at Sunday’s Hall of Fame Game in Canton. He wasn’t there the whole time, however. According to other fans at the game, Reed was escorted from his seat for allegedly fighting with another fan.

https://twitter.com/bbelden330/status/630579827888771072

To quote the great, Rust Cohle, “Time is a Flat Circle”

Damnit, Jeff! This was supposed to be a great Hall of Fame weekend. The Bus gave a terrific speech on Saturday and you were on your way to being a first ballot Yinzer Hall of Famer with those Yinzers last week.

Unfortunately he encapsulates every negative Yinzer stereotype and for that reason can hang out with Pete Rose in the “Over qualified but not in the Hall of Fame” category.

In the “related news” department, it turns out Hall of Fame weekend is actually “kicker” weekend. Along with the Jeff Reed news, current kicker Shaun Suisham is facing some bad news…

Get well soon, #NextManUp

Every so often I pop through the living room and catch the Ms. watching Dance Moms. It’s a show on Lifetime based on Pittsburgh’s own, Abby Lee Dance Company and stars a text book Yinzer Broad teaching girls how to dance.   

This week the producers came out slinging subtle racial jokes, by way of the classic line from Friday, “Bye Felicia”

Damn Abby Lee. It’s apparent in the episode she had a problem with this specific student of hers and was trying to find a way to hide her in the back. But is sending the only African American student she’s got on stage to perform a solo entitled “Bye Felicia” racist or just an epic way to secretly tell a student and her mother to kick rocks?

Oh snap, you’re telling me football hall of famers get free Bob Evans? Had this been conveyed to me I wouldn’t have quit in 8th grade…

The Yuppie Yinzer has been all in on Pat Narduzzi since day one.  

Mike Ditka

Tony Dorsett

Dan Marino

Curtis Martin

Larry Fitzgerald

Darelle Revis 

Shady McCoy

Aaron Donald 

All throughout its history Pitt has always found a way to get one guy who’s elevated and gone on to the next level and at some point been considered arguably the best at their position. Unfortunately when they were here playing the other 21 guys on offense and defense did not also elevate and our best season ended in BCS defeats.  

Now that all changes. Pat Narduzzi made his name elevating 2 and 3 star guys, the guys Pitt recruits, and winning conference championships against much better recruits. Nardo the Hardo has taken this program over in little time and showed the world when he suspended star WR.

Cancel August already. I need Pitt football. I need Steeler football. I need another Bucco playoff run. 

The Cranberry Eagle Police on Monday arrested a Butler man accused of clubbing a former girlfriend with a 2-foot-long beef stick during a weekend domestic dispute. Jesse J. Eaton, 20, is in the Butler County Prison on misdemeanor assault and other charges. Eaton showed up between 4 and 5 a.m. Saturday at his ex-girlfriend’s Old Plank Estates apartment and began beating on the windows. He eventually got inside the 21-year-old woman’s home, according to court documents. She told police that Eaton began shouting and breaking pictures frames and a wooden coffee table. He allegedly slapped and pushed the woman before the altercation took an unusual turn.“He started hitting her with a large beef stick,” documents said. Police said the summer sausage measured about an inch in diameter and was in its package. The victim’s older sister eventually arrived at the apartment. That 24-year-old woman told investigators that she saw Eaton choking her sibling. She said she tried to call 911 but he took the telephone out of her hands and threw it, according to a police affidavit. He is accused of grabbing the older sister by the shoulders and slamming her against a wall. Eaton was gone by the time officers got there. Police subsequently got an arrest warrant for him. He was arraigned Monday on charges of simple assault, harassment and disorderly conduct, and placed in the prison on $2,500 bail. A preliminary hearing was not immediately scheduled.

Last summer when Adrian Peterson got in trouble for beating his kid with a “switch” it was a difficult story to follow in large part due to the confusion surrounding his weapon of choice. In this case however, the use of a “2-foot-long beef stick” makes for a hilarious visual.

Make no mistake, abusing women is awful and is never tolerated, but the notion of whipping out a 2 foot long sausage on a boring Friday night and smacking your friends around would get a decent laugh.

Moral of the story, if you are going to commit and atrocious crime, be a little bit clever and you might win some points back.