Indy Star Police investigators arrived at the home of Subway pitchman Jared Fogle early Tuesday. A handful of officers gathered outside while an evidence truck was parked in his driveway. It could not be immediately confirmed why police were at the home, but it comes nearly two months after the executive director of of Fogle’s foundation was arrested in Indianapolis on federal child pornography charges.

One look at the guy and one would assume there was some barnyard content on his computer.

If Jared’s PR people were smart they would attribute any sign of kiddie porn to something he was received via his former executive director of his foundation. Remember the Fappening? Anyone in their right mind was firing out the Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton nudes to everyone in their contact list. Perhaps fans of kiddie porn proceed similarly and take all their friends to jail with them?

Last week sports fans shared a chuckle after reading Steve Simmon’s farewell piece to now former Maple Leaf Phil Kessel. Fatso’s around the continent loved that a three time All Star with a fat face would indulged himself for a daily hot dog.

“The hot dog vendor who parks daily at Front and John Sts. just lost his most reliable customer. Almost every afternoon at 2:30 p.m., often wearing a toque, Phil Kessel would wander from his neighbourhood condominium to consume his daily snack. And now he’s gone. Just like that. The Maple Leafs could no longer stomach having Kessel around, the first player to be both punished and rewarded for the saddest Leafs season in history.”

Since then however, local Toronto blogs have broken down the tape and gone next level to pull out all of the inconsistencies in Simmon’s narrative.

It’s not our style however to rip this poor columnist here at The Yuppie Yinzer.  We have taken it upon ourselves to go ahead and help our new favorite Penguin feel at home and should he be interested in continuing that habit, we have found just the place.

Boom.  Right across the street from the Omni William Penn hotel on William Penn Place, Pittsburgh Hot Dog’s combine the finest weiner, Sabrett with the best bread in Pittsburgh, Mancini’s.

It’s a win win Phil (I feel like I can call you Phil since we’re both super athletes cultivating mass).  For only $3 you get the best hot dog, and it’s only a short stroll from your new office.

Best of luck Phil, how about you and me meet for lunch? First dog’s on me?

The latest fake outrage hot take centers around The Confederate Flag and its disappearance from store shelves across America. Sure it has a ton of negative connotations and a southerner just committed another race fueled murder but after turning the other cheek for 150 years these companies went zero to sixty in record time. 

The other big headline these days is all about these crazy sharks attacking people. Let’s run down the recent string of attacks. 

From ABCNews.com

May 29 in New Smyrna, Florida

May 29 in Cocoa Beach, Florida

June 11 in Ocean Isle Beach, North Carolina

June 14 in Oak Island, North Carolina

June 17 in Daytona Beach Shores, Florida

June 24 in Surf City, North Carolina

June 25 in Outer Banks, North Carolina

June 26 in Avon, North Carolina

June 30, 2015 in Isle of Palms, South Carolina

July 1 in Ocracoke Island, North Carolina

These beasts are terrorizing Americans up and down the coasts and are a policitcian away from being full blown terrorists. At the rate they’re operating, you have to wonder if Isis is preparing an offer sheet for some shark extremists. 

  
Yet with all this bad publicity here comes Discovery with another Shark Week and Sharknado 3 is right around the corner pairing one from of terror with another. 

Everyone agrees Isis Week and Confederate a Week would be an utter disaster yet we’re about to glam up the Sharks again? Come on I need an explanation.

Good god you’d think these people never had poor person Italian food before. I count at least 30 of these Yinzers waiting for god knows what. 

There’s few eateries I would wait 5 minutes for let alone however long it’s going to take these people to get their prefab meal on wheel.  It would be nice to be a real city with several food truck options but it’s borderline entrapment sending the bottom of the barrel out here and tricking people like this. 

  
WSJ Sealed Air Corp., the original seller of Bubble Wrap since 1960, is rolling out a revamped version of its signature product. Dubbed iBubble Wrap, the new packaging is sold in flat plastic sheets that the shipper fills with air using a custom-made pump. The inflated bubbles look much like traditional Bubble Wrap, with one key difference: They don’t burst when pressure is applied.

Charlotte N.C.-based Sealed Air is betting iBubble Wrap will appeal to space-conscious online retailers who are driving swift growth in the global packaging business, even as fans are disappointed by the lack of pop. Traditional Bubble Wrap ships in giant, pre-inflated rolls, taking up precious room in delivery trucks and on customers’ warehouse floors. One roll of the new iBubble Wrap uses roughly one-fiftieth as much space before it’s inflated.

Get out of my face with your garage “space-conscious” mumbo jumbo. Popping bubble wrap is a right of passage and this decision is socially irresponsible. 
This weekend was to supposed to be all about freedom and shit and now my brains going to be preoccupied devising ways to cripple this company. 

That’s the part that hurts the most. I’d expect this from some Chinese sweatshop company. To learn this was the decision of an American company? Awful.

KLTV On Tuesday, police released video of the altercation between officers and a man outside a restaurant in Palestine.

On Sunday, May 31, police shot and killed 47-year-old James D. Bushey. He was suspected of stealing beer from a store and hiding in a nearby restaurant. Bushey was shot by police after he pointed a weapon at an officer.

Police later determined the weapon was a BB gun designed to look like a 9 mm handgun, leaving unanswered questions about why Bushey drew the firearm in the first place.

Can you even imagine if this guy was black?

Sure he whips his gun out but he’s clearly intoxicated and/or retarded. What kind of level headed person is looking around this situation and not only believes his out is using his BB gun, but actually proceeds with his dynamite plan? Within seconds the cops get him face down on the ground and he’s being tazed so I’m not sure the chick cop filming this needed to bust another three caps in his ass. If a white cop makes that move on a black dude in Alabama it is national news.

Fortunately it was white on white crime in Texas, or as they call it, “a Tuesday.”

  
The logical half of my brain knows giving everyone a gun will be an utter disaster. The country is 90% stupid and those as mama always said “stupid is as stupid does.” The other half of my brain however also knows cell phones record quality HD these days and if the US jumps on the dash cam bandwagon, we could be seeing some pretty awesome gun fights dumped on YouTube.

BOOOOOM

Pens add another scoring threat and reports indicate they didn’t mortgage the future to get better.

Roaring round of applause to the Worldwide Leader of Sports. Sure they don’t give a single shit about the sport all season and might sneak in top play once a week but they know how to dominate the Twitter game. First tweet when searching Kesse is there’s and naturally we get internet outrage.

https://twitter.com/dnadez/status/616293162651398144

Never change internet.

 
BJ’s In celebration of two “new arrivals” this summer onto BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse’s EnLIGHTened Menu – the all-new Roasted Chicken with Spinach Quinoa Bowl and Roasted Salmon Quinoa Bowl – BJ’s is asking consumers to do something that might typically be reserved for quirky Hollywood celebrities. The restaurant is challenging expectant parents across America to consider naming their newborn baby Quinoa. Yes, Quinoa.

“We are so excited to introduce these amazing new Quinoa Bowls that we wanted to do something big, maybe even a little crazy,” said Kevin Mayer, executive vice president and chief marketing officer at BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse.

Despite the superfood’s rising popularity, BJ’s couldn’t find anyone in the U.S. named Quinoa, unlike other “crossover” foods like Apple, Brie and even Kale. It inspired the restaurant to create a promotion that’s way better than a baby shower: Prove your baby is named Quinoa for the chance to win $10,000 worth of food at BJ’s!

No baby? No problem. Expect big savings even if you’re not expecting. Anyone who changes his or her first name to Quinoa on Twitter until July 6 will receive a $10 off $35 coupon to BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse. Don’t forget to follow @BJsRestaurants.

Blow Job’s just opened in the North Hills this month and it appears clear that it is going to blow every other joint out of the water. They have a huge craft beer selection and at least one of the waiters, name started with a J I think, knew how to handle his shit.

Then today’s they went and threw all those swagger points down the drain for some contest holding the carrot in front of a moronic society who will go apeshit for free BJ’s coupons.

It’s easy to sell your first born off for a cool million or your team winning a sports championship but you have to be a stone cold moron to get hyped up for $10,000 worth of chain restaurant food.

A true cocksman finds a way to procreate in the next month, wins 10,000 BJ’s bucks, and convinces his wife that he won 10,000 Blow Job coupons.

Side note: They’ll always be felatio’s little brother. 

Post Gazette It seems counterintuitive or, as one participant in a recently seminar put it, “nuts.” Removing all signs, traffic signals, curbs, lane markings and crosswalks from a city block to make it safer and more inviting both to vehicles and foot traffic? The concept, called shared space, has worked in several cities, mostly in Europe, and will be considered for the section of Liberty Avenue that forms the entrance to Downtown Pittsburgh. Adherents say doing away with the rules forces drivers and pedestrians to interact and cooperate with one another by creating an atmosphere where ownership of the entire street vests with everyone. In a typical shared space setting, drivers slow down and pay attention to pedestrians and other drivers rather than signals and signs. Foot traffic increases, stimulating retail development.

Perception:

Reality:

Full Disclosure I Jay Walk like a motherfucker. If I, god forbid, have to walk down Smithfield past that awful McDonald’s I’m cutting across the street where ever I please to avoid that cesspool. Additionally, when it’s quit time and I have to walk to my car I’m cutting every corner and blowing off every “don’t cross” sign if it means getting to my car 10 seconds soon and being 10 seconds ahead of the traffic.

That being said, “shared space” is a suicide mission. I’m just one hardo who has excellent judgement and can make the call if its safe to cross. You throw all the yinzers out there and expect everyone to cooperate you’re going to be scraping bodies off the pavement.

Bicyclist are notorious for being assholes on the road. The city gives them a 4 foot lane, they take the entire road. Insert karma video here:

If you have ever been at a crowded mall stuck behind some airhead walking slowly and preventing any potentially pass you know how infuriating that can be. If you think welcoming those clowns into traffic won’t piss off drivers who are likely already on edge, you’re in for a rude awakening…