Previously on The Yuppie Yinzer Pittsburgh is Getting a 1,000 Foot Slip & Slide This Summer

KDKA PITTSBURGH (KDKA) — A recent water slide event called ‘Slide the City‘ had a record number of people reaching out to KDKA and Get Marty with complaints. The massive water slide event took place in South Park a few weeks ago. The two-day event drew more than 9,000 people to South Park. Folks complained about four-hour long lines for one ride on the 1,000-foot slide. Some people complained about high speeds and injuries.

“We made some mistakes in Pittsburgh. We feel awful about those mistakes,” says Johnson. ‘Slide the City’ owner promise a full refund to folks who had problems. “We want to take care of people. We want to make this right,” says Johnson. Anyone who wants a refund needs to email ‘Slide the City’ at pc@slidethecity.com. It will help if you mention Ryan Johnson and KDKA’S Marty Griffin.

Well we were pretty dead on about this idea. I’ll admit I did like the idea of pads but at the end of the day it’s still a death trap. Slip and slides on flat front yards across the country are synonymous with injuries so a slip & slide that is about 990 feet longer on a steep hill naturally increased the risk of injury.

Also, 100% false advertising here. It’s called “Slide The City” not “Slide the Suburb a Half Hour South of the City.” Another selling point to me at least was the city backdrop in the promotional videos. When the final details were ironed out and the dropped it in South Park it dropped right off my radar. No way I’d go that far south of the city for this Yinzer Paradise *shudders.

In the end there were injuries, illness and a ton of regret. “Slide The City” was a better promotion for Sand Castle when people were waiting hours in line having spent more money in one day than an entire season pass would run you.

Ho mang business is picking up. Let’s go ahead and toss Vince McMahon on that ticket and we’re on our way back to global domination.

Full disclosure, I care less about whatever mumbo jumbo candidates throw out at rally’s, debates, and town halls, but more about their “it” factor. The US lost a ton of swag points in the global climate with George Dub-Ya running the show for eight years. This country needed the swagger of at least a half black president. Barry Obama was the perfect mix of black people swag while keeping things in check for a few years thanks to his whiter half.

This election might break the internet. Already with one Bush out there to create endless sound drops, adding Trump to the battle can certainly go next level if he’s more TV personality than savy businessman. I’ve been holding out hope that Chris Christie borrows Stone Cold’s theme music and makes a surprise appearance at a Republican rally.

The only thing that the Republican’s need to go full blown reality TV mode is a Kardasian Kandidate who promises the entire cabinet will be filled with Dash heirs.

The Democratic waters seem much smoother with Hilary making her push to run the country. 24’s David Palmer paved the way for Barry to be the first African-America president, why can’t Allison Taylor pave the way for Hilary?

NY Times The F.B.I. and Justice Department prosecutors are investigating whether front-office officials for the St. Louis Cardinals, one of the most successful teams in baseball over the past two decades, hacked into internal networks of a rival team to steal closely guarded information about player personnel.

Investigators have uncovered evidence that Cardinals officials broke into a network of the Houston Astros that housed special databases the team had built, according to law enforcement officials. Internal discussions about trades, proprietary statistics and scouting reports were compromised, the officials said.

The officials did not say which employees were the focus of the investigation or whether the team’s highest-ranking officials were aware of the hacking or authorized it. The investigation is being led by the F.B.I.’s Houston field office and has progressed to the point that subpoenas have been served on the Cardinals and Major League Baseball for electronic correspondence.

Oh, that team that is inexplicably good with relative nobodies has been cheating?

Oh man great day to be a fan of baseball anywhere outside of the self-appointed capital of the game.

Two years ago the Cardinals bats were on fire and they were mowing down the competition.  They stood in the way of the Pirates on multiple occasions and anyone who fell victim to the red-birds were irritated their team of nobodies were doing so damn well.  Then when they traded guys away, looking at you Allen Craig, players forgot how to hit and soon found themselves in AAA.

The easily explanation was they no longer had that sweet St Louis juice (read “steroids”) but god forbid you floated that notion to a Cardinals fan.  They would only further irritate you when they countered your argument with the magical powers of vermin.

The real reason guys hit so well as a Cardinal and so shitty as a “not Cardinal” was they simply did not have the cheaters edge.  Since other teams have integrity their scouting reports solely relied on scouts, instead of some hacker in the Busch stadium server room, production declined.

In a world where leagues over-punish we need MLB to throw the book at the Cardinals and hit them with a post season ban.  The Pirates slept through April and it has become increasingly difficult to make up any ground when the Cardinals are copying the outcome of Pirate games.

https://twitter.com/franjman12/status/609917038530670592

LA Times Police have arrested an 89-year-old Sacramento man on suspicion of killing his 83-year-old wife.

Masaharu Ono was jailed Friday in Sacramento County on a single count of murder. He was ineligible for bail, according to the Sheriff’s Department.

According to the Sacramento Bee, Ono reported finding his wife dead inside the home. Authorities said that after an investigation it was determined the 83-year-old woman had injuries that contributed to her death and were suspicious.

At this point does it even matter? Why even bother wasting resources on this guy? It’s not as if letting him on the streets puts anyone at risk.

Once a person hits 70 they become allowed the privledge of saying any wacky racist, sexist comment and are awarded a laugh in most cases because “they don’t know any better.”

The same can be said at 80 when an old man can just pocket any item at the store and get away with it. Worst case scenario he gets confronted but you’ll never read in the police blotter about an elderly man taken down for stealing lunch meat at the grocery store.

At 90 can we just cut our losses, move on and let murders walk? Banks recognize bad debt older than 90 days as uncollectable and basically give up recouping. Sure, this guy is a bad debt to society being a murderer and all but there is so much younger, worse debt out there. Chalk this one up as a loss and let him live.

LOVE AJ Burnett these days. Pirates management tried to ruin a good thing when the didn’t sign him after 2013 but fortunately the Dark Knight rises again down at PNC.

The Pirates have a Starling Marte bobblehead lined up for June but if they let this season end without a Burnett Batman Bobblehead they have missed a golden opportunity. A tatted up Batman Bobblehead is not the figurine the city wants but it’s the city needs. 

It’s your move Pirates, either die / release the bobblehead and be the hero, or live long enough to become the villain. I have literally done 90% of the legwork for you guys. From creation to design all I need you to do is get some tats on that rendering and send it away to your guys.

Once again for your records have a look. 

Ps. There’s a lot more million dollar ideas locked up in this brain Buccos. I do have a price and would be happy to come in and consult.

Pps. That free shirt AJ designed and they gave out was cute and a nice start but people today think Christian Bale and Ben Affleck when they think Batman. Channeling the Adam West iteration didn’t strike a cord with the masses and plus, free shirts are historically gross cotton and spend more time in the dust rag rotation than the wearable tshirt rotation. 

Ppps. The Pirates Bobblehead Quality Assurance needs to give better effort than they did for the J-Hay Bobblehead. 

KDKA The Port Authority is looking into bus slogans that some are calling offensive. Officials say they’ve recently received complaints that one of its slogans, “Ziggin Zaggin,” is offensive when read backwards, seeming to spell out a racial slur. Jim Ritchie with the Port Authority says they will remove the messages from buses.

“… due to recent complaints about how this message appears when read backward, we have decided to remove the message from our vehicles,” he said. “This will take us several days to properly remove. We apologize to anyone who may have been offended.” A few days ago, a driver complained after seeing the slogan on a bus in her rearview mirror. She says it spells out a racial slur when read backwards.

Just once I would love to jump into the brain of the idiots these days who get offended this easily. This offended-inception where you have to use a mirror to decode the Port Authority’s racist agenda. You can spot the naivety of whoever’s getting their panties in a bunch because if you end the N-word with an A there’s no racism there, its only the N-word ending in E-R.

I think someone needs to reevaluate the assholes complaining. Claiming they were offended when they looked in their rear view mirror may have sounded like a good point, but upon further review (above) there is no way any real word pops out.  The way the “g” is stylized it read’s like nippaz and nippiz. The yinzers complaining are the real offenders because they planted the offensive word in everyone’s head. It’s the same trick Louis CK called out when people think they’re safe saying “N word”

I’m sure the head of marketing is getting an earful this morning with the news that the bus is offended its target market.

Woah easy there big guy. Lose balls are one of the modern marvels in the game. Foul balls, home runs, the third out. Grown man go bat shit crazy for a piece of memorabilia that their favorite player had their hands/bat on. 

What’s even funnier is the polar opposite of the men who will fight their way through the elderly for a free baseball. At Wrigley the same guy who will knock out Aunt Edna for a Kris Bryant dinger will bulldoze his way to an Andrew McCutchen tater so he can sling it back into the field of play. 

At the end of tonight’s events the Barry Bonds double agent Yinzer would leave early and beat the traffic per the umpires review. 

  
Thanks to this umpire we didn’t have another Steve Bartman on our hands and the buccos were able to hold on and Raise the Jolly Roger giving Gerit Cole his NL leading 8th win. On to the next one we get Batman tomorrow night. 

TV Line Jack Bauer is passing the stopwatch.

Fox is developing a 24 spinoff that would revolve around a new twentysomething male terrorist hunter, , franchise overlord Howard Gordon confirmed to TVLine Sunday at the Critics Choice Television Awards.

While there are no current plans for Kiefer Sutherland’s Jack to appear, it’s entirely possible his iconic character could pop in and out on a guest-star basis.

The project would find the new male antihero working alongside an older, more seasoned female agent (not Yvonne Strahovski’s Kate Morgan, although she also may also appear). It would also launch as a limited series, similar to last year’s acclaimed 24: Live Another Day, but I’m told the offshoot could easily become a long-term property for Fox.

24: LAD vets Manny Coto and Evan Katz will serve as writers and EPs.

Woah hold the phone, no Jack Bauer??

Alright alright let’s step back and assess. For years 24 season’s ended with Jack in a shitty situation only for it to be remedied within minutes of the following season. Maybe it’s time to explore that unknown before we run into 24 more hours with Jack. Let’s break down the knowns, first Jack is a prisoner of Russia.

A lot of clever ideas were tossed out there the summer after season 5. Jack was on a ship to China and everyone anticipated an exciting rescue scene. We never got that scene or the details of the trade that brought Jack back to the states and I think the writers can recycle that potential story here getting Jack out of Russia.

The trick is to cast this one correctly. They’ve tried to come up with “the next Jack Bauer” a few times before. Chase Edmunds was a convincing badass but just as her dad is the kiss of death to those around him, Kim’s boyfriends never had much longevity.  

Rick went to jail in season 1, Miguel lost a leg in season 2, and Chase lost a hand in season 3. Barry was a nutcase in season 5 but fortunatley for Kim she found a stable husband by season 7. The way they painted up Chase in season 3 he could have definitely be the next iteration of Jack Bauer but they screwed the pooch there.

Their next real attempt, sorry Curtis, was Cole Ortiz. Unfortunately he couldn’t sniff a mole right under his nose, had a terrible accent, and Freddie Prinze couldn’t stand Kiefer. Needless to say this was a miss. The 24 writers have bookended what they need out of a young terrorist hunter there is an easy way to take pressure off this character with the “seasoned female agent.”

BOOM. Throughout “Live Another Day” agent Kate Morgan exhibited all kinds of Bauerisms and let’s face it, was hands down the finest piece of eye candy in 24’s 9 season run. (Kim Bauer a close but super annoying second place).  You bring back Yvonne (she’s already said “never say never”) for that polished badass, don’t give a fuck role and we’re almost on our way to an awesome season. You spend the first 4-6 episodes with this team of Kate Morgan and the newb navigating a remote Russian location and finishing off years of investigating the where abouts of Jack Bauer.

Once Jack is found writers can use the fast forward device they waited eleven and three-quarter episodes for in 24 LAD. But once the trio is state side, what impending threat is going to get Jack Back into the action??

Tony got out of prison in the Live Another a Day Blu-Ray extra. Obviously the writers have something in mind and we know Carlos ain’t doing much other acting so this kind of familiar face can wrangle in more old viewers.

24 without Jack Bauer can work. Will it? Time will tell.

 
I usually mock gym couples in my head. Especially when the Mrs. is standing between Mr. and his gains. Nothing sadder than a hardo trying to sell you on a benchpress of around 65 pounds

Today I saw the exact opposite of the gym couple and almost laughed so hard I spit pre-workout all over her windshield. 

That poor sumbitch has probably exhausted the subtle mentions of her round body joining him at the gym.  In his mind he is making progress having convinced her to take her afternoon nap in the LA Fitness parking lot instead of her usual futon.

Alright enough of this chuckle party, I have some weights to throw around. 

Just a regular day with some woman named Caitlyn on the cover of Vanity Fare right? Wrong because that’s the artist formerly known as Bruce Jenner.

It was easy to be a cynic and suggest that interview was just a stunt to grab some viewers. When the Dash-Klan weren’t there however, and subsequently aired their own interview on E! to leech some ad revenue I bought in that this guy just wanted to play dress up.

Today he(she?) went out and owned it.

Met Caitlyn Jenner, Vanity Fair’s July cover star. Pulitzer Prize–winning contributing editor and author of Friday Night Lights Buzz Bissinger, who was given unfettered access to Jenner and her family, chronicles the tensions, traumas, and courage that shaped Caitlyn into the woman you see today. Annie Leibovitz shoots the first portraits of Caitlyn, which were taken in her Malibu home.

From a PR point of view this can’t be the end of this story. Caitlyn needs to go WWE with this and swoop in an steal some of the momager’s clients (daughter’s).

Boom, see what I did right there I just created a new show for E.

Sunday’s this summer tune into ‘Kris and Caitlyn Take Hollywood’ where the most prominent momager’s in Hollywood battle for the right to represent their kids… Sunday’s at 9 on E!”

Phew, if E! doesn’t watch out TNT might swoop in a steal that concept, they know drama, and that right there is top notch drama.

Side note. How about how wide a spectrum Vanity Fair dominated in the last month? If we did a Venn diagram of people getting excited for these covers I’d really like to see the profile of who would fall in the center.