The Discovery Channel has a cute Twitter out there to spit some knowledge its followers way hoping to make the world a smarter place. Yesterday they tossed a little tidbit out about an animal that happens to be the mascot for Pittsburgh’s NHL team…

If you thought since schools out for the summer that the Pen’s Twitter guy or gal wouldn’t be on the clock you were wrong. They took the bait and thought they could correct what they thought to be a inconsistency with Discovery’s research.

Zing, the Pen’s twitter really got em with that one. Discovery can’t possibly have an answer to such hyperbole… right?

One… two… three….

It has been close to an hour since the Penguin’s Twitter lost their pulse. This certainly puts an appropriate ending to an awful season.

#neverforget

Yesterday I may have jumped the gun when I ruled The Worst Parents Ever. That trophy went out the door of The Yuppie Yinzer corporate office only hours ago when the internet mushroom stamped me on the forehead today with perhaps the dumbest reveal ever made on Facebook.

Today’s guilty party is Chelsea “a twenty-something” moron living in Indianapolis that should have had to apply to procreate and been subsequently denied permission.  

So let me get this straight. After “twenty-something” years, you find it necessary to leave a shoe in the back seat with the baby you are responsible for so you don’t forget it? As if that is not dumb enough you throw your brilliant idea onto Facebook where everyone can see how dumb you are?

To steal a line from Deflategate, based on this evidence it is “more probable than not” that Chelsea has already left her kid in a boiling car at least once and was thankful to come across this mind blowing tip before the inside of her car resembled the inside of a microwave after cooking uh-oh SpaghettiOs. 

I have always known the “everyone gets a trophy” generation was going to bring down this society but I never gave thought to what would happen when they started to pass on their entitled genetics.   Having never been told “no” or that they were wrong the idea that this generation is now responsible for other lives is horrifying. As time goes on they will only continue to surpass the parenting fails of yesteryear which were only as severe as a baby in the background of a sext or two. 
  

100% chance the baby in the background grows up to live a better life than the baby’s left to roast in cars this summer since mommy forgot to put her Louboutin back on. 

So next time you pop into a Walmart, casino, bar or whatever establishment dead beat parents hang around, take a look and see if everyone is wearing two shoes. If someone isn’t wearing both there is a good chance their baby has been abandoned in the parking lot.

P.S. Your phrase “No judgement comments, please. The trick is meant to be helpful” doesn’t apply here. When you throw something that egregious on the internet you need someone to smack some sense into you or else we become guilty by association when you finally get locked up.

TheThrillist It took them a while, but Domino’s finally has a response to that Push for Pizza app: tweet-to-order delivery. Beginning on May 20th, Domino’s will let customers tweet orders to their official handle, and all you need to do is send a single pizza emoji. Of course, before you start tweeting Domino’s emojis all over the place, you’ll need to set up an Easy Order account. Plug in your preferred pie, payment info, and Twitter handle, and from then on, you’re cleared for Twitter delivery. Domino’s will also DM you to confirm each order, since they know you already end up tweeting the pizza emoji daily. Clearly, they’re also guilty.  

Prime example here of a company knowing its customer to a T. I ordered hundreds of 5-5-5’s throughout college. If all I needed to do was tweet a pizza emoji I probably would have ordered thousands. 

It’s good to see Dominoes went back to the smart idea guy with this announcement. Last time they tweaked their app they were giddy to tell you that you could now place and order with “Dom” through the app with your voice…. Yes instead of placing a call you would go through a clunky app to send a voice message and hope to god Dom is a better listener that the meth head answering phones and spinning dough. 

While it sounds like a charming feature you have to use this aware that all of your followers are going to catch on when your Twitter content goes from your soapbox rants to pizza emoji tweets every night at around 6:00. 

Obviously the next logical move is for a company to steal this idea and send strippers to your door when you tweet out an eggplant. 🍆

CrossingBroad A tipster wrote to us to blow up Jung Ho Kang’s Tinder game while he’s in town playing the Phillies. Cocky enough to post a stock photo of yourself on the field, but not cocky enough to pay for that photo and remove the watermark. We feel ya, Jung Ho. I wouldn’t buy that picture either.

BOOM. I’ve been on the K-Pop hype train since day one. Unlike your boy Andrew McCutchen who does less and less to make me like him Jung Ho is grabbing the brass ring and quickly becoming my favorite player. 

Walks into the clubhouse today and finds out he’s not starting tonight and what does he do? Says “fuck it” and jumps on Tinder so he can still make it a productive night. 

Sound the Kang Gong

The Star A crude on-camera confrontation between Toronto soccer fans and a reporter has cost a Sunshine List employee his job. The televised incident between CityNews reporter Shauna Hunt and fans at Sunday’s Toronto FC game featured several bystanders mimicking a viral trend seen across North America, in which on-air reporters are harassed with the phrase, “F— her right in the p—-.” Hydro One is firing an employee involved in Sunday’s incident, while Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment is taking steps to have the fans involved banned for “at least” a year. A Hydro One spokesperson identified the employee as Shawn Simoes, an assistant network management engineer who made $106,510 last year. He appears on-camera laughing and taunting, alongside several other men.

Mind blowing that this jabroni made that kind of money as a functioning retard. Sure, fucking her right in the pussy was hilarious when some old man in a hoody and sunglasses snuck it into an interview and then popped back up later. But that ship has sailed with every bro jumping into every live shot and when Miss Prissy here stood up to the bully’s they should have known when to call it quits.

Instead this guy jumps into the debate with his best arguements ready to do battle….

“It is fucking hilarious”

“You’re lucky there is not a vibrator in your ear like in England”

“My mom would die laughing”

I’m sure that kind of quick thinking will serve him well when he’s interviewing for his next job and the question comes up why he left his last job….

Always remember, if you’re going to toe that fine line of “is this inappropriate “always do so in anonymity…

  Jesus Christ. Not only are these kids parents letting them root for both teams in what may come down to a street fight by game seven but they also let them cut up a Jordan jersey to sew it together with a fucking Lebron jersey?

Bad parenting rears its ugly head by way of sports all the time. Cav fans ironically became Heat fans before trashing their 6’s for the old tight 23 from their skinny days. Anyone care to explain how you let your kid become Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, and Duke Blue Devils fans all while living nowhere either home field??

These two idiots take the cake. Their parents should be locked up so child services can put the kids in some Chinese foster family where they have to give up sports and focus on math. Outrageous.

Previously on The Yuppie Yinzer: Green Ranger vs Street Fighter.

Classic CM Punk poo pooing the Green Ranger last week at one of those Wizard World / Comic Con Convention’s. It was easy for him to dominate WWE on the microphone given the limited ability of their top stars *cough Roman Reigns.* Now that hes a free man he goes back to his schtick where he downplays any potential buzz and writes off his competition as irrelevant and an unknown to him. Except for the fact that he has had fun with it in the past and even took pictures with the Green Ranger in the past.

What did I say last week? Jason David Frank is absolutely POSITIVE that he REALLY IS THE GREEN RANGER. It does not matter what he says on YouTube in his brain he think’s CM Punk just nailed Zordon with a GTS and made him tap out.

Heard it here first, at some point at one of these CM Punk panel’s Green Ranger is teleporting in and laying some smack down.

Last week when that Wells Report came out we broke the news that the Steelers were “probably” going to go 1-0. 

Since we are responsible journalist we’re going to go ahead and get a fresh coat of paint on that post.

Only a few short weeks after the NFL Schedule released and Steelers Nation shrugged at the unavoidable 0-1 start, #Deflategate returns from hiding with a report centered around a lot of “probably’s” and a lot of soapboxes getting turned over crying for the end of Belichick and Brady.

Today “Führer Goodell” ruled Brady ineligible for the first 4 games of next season including their week one matchup vs the Steelers.

Wait, so are you saying no Brady, or Blount week 1????

And now the Steelers have 4 months to prepare for Jimmy Garoppolo!!?

It would be total New England Patriots move to start the year 3-1 and have a media circus around the next great QB controversy all the way to Superbowl 50 where those assholes hoist another Lombardi. What would be even more New England Patriots is trading Jimmy Garoppolo to the Browns or Jets for a dozen first round picks and watching him amount to nothing.

Lets check in on the Patriots and see how they’re taking the news.

https://twitter.com/chan95jones/status/597880543276040193

The Steeles have already won the mental game. I do not doubt the Pats abilty to get up for a game or two without their leader but with an entire offseason to prepare I love the Steelers chances in week one.

NY Daily News An Oregon teacher who ♥s science branded his students’ skin with “I ♥ mom” during a bizarre classroom experiment, police said.

Samuel Dufner, a science teacher at South Salem High School in Salem, was arrested Tuesday, but a prosecutor said he won’t press charges at this time for the tattoo-like markings.

The 37-year-old teacher used a Tesla coil, a type of electrical transformer, to demonstrate chemical reactions during a lesson last week, police said. The Tesla transmits electricity without wires at high-frequency and high-voltage levels, and can produce electrical burn-like markings.

Dufner first touched the coil himself to show off the reaction, and then asked if any students wanted to be burned, too, students said.

 “He took like the probe and he touched my hand and I pulled my hand away and it was done,” student Aminna Ackridge told KATU. “It hurt me a little bit, but as soon as I pulled my hand away the pain was gone.

This whole article reads like something off of The Onion but I would be all in on a tesla Tattoo for mom’s day. The article makes mention that the markings were just temporary and faded by the time the cops where arresting the guy. 

Shame on the police for even bothering this one. If the teacher was some insane Albert Einstein looking lunatic running around burnin people against their wills then fine lay down some law.  These kids were tripping out over some harmless weird science and just trying to show the love for mom. 

Art was hardly my thing growing up. When my mom stopped doing my sketchbook I went from 100%’s in art to 69% all while giving max effort on my bullshit sketches where my “shading” was more of “smudging.” I was the kind of guy who would butchered a cute handprint in clay with some barnyard paint job where I’d try to mix the wrong colors and handed mom some throw up colored plate with my handprint wrapped in newspaper. 

If the option was out there back in the day I would have been happy to dole out some pain for my mom if it meant having a bad ass Tattoo that trumped Henna but still wore off in a matter off days.

Epic. Pine Richland Alumni, Neil Walker making history with the first ever 4-5-4 triple play.

Pirates defense woke up the bats tonight but bald Andrew McCutchen continues to under achieve right as he was about to make a solid case for being the face on MLB.  Hard to imagine that haircut wasn’t the worse decision he could have gone with.