Huffington Post Defense and aerospace company Lockheed Martin announced this week that its new fiber-optic laser weapon system, dubbed ATHENA (Advanced Test High Energy Asset), successfully took out a small truck “from more than a mile away” during a recent field test. The ATHENA system uses a technique called “spectral beam combining,” which involves merging multiple laser modules to create a single and super-powerful 30-kilowatt laser beam. The system is described as having the “highest power ever documented by a laser weapon of its type.” “To put that in perspective, the laser in an everyday pointer might be about 1 milliwatt, or 3 million times less,” said Motherboard.

This is why the United States is king. You don’t hear about Russia and China’s awesome inventions, do you know why? Because when they finally figure it out they realize the US equivalent was trending on Twitter years ago. Lockheed had this “laser”

in their inventory years ago. They’re already onto version 8 that wipes out entire armies from 20 miles away.

The only downside to this is the ramifications Lockheed Martin will have on Hollywood going forward. American Sniper was hot in the streets this winter, a film about America’s deadliest and most accurate sniper.

Chris Kyle was a total badass, with a resume that included taking out an enemy target from 2,100 yards, the 8th longest kill at the time. According to that list, the longest sniper kill is 2,475 yards, less than a mile and a half. Lockheed Martin is letting us know they have a laser to wipe out targets from over a mile away.

You think Hollywood can rely on dramatic scenes where Bradley Cooper blows people away from a mile away knowing he could have just used the laser in his utility belt (a must for all futuristic soldiers btw).

Poor guy, he knows he smells his favorite food but damnit the door is closed.

He thinks to himself, “oh I know, I’ll paw the door indicating to my master that I would like to enter and enjoy said bacon.”

The pooch reaches out his arm but wait- wheres the window? “I know it’s here somewhere…. but where is it? Must be a little farther.. farther… oh I falling back up.”

Pup resets and clears his head, what’s going on here? Must be one of those new windows deceiving his color blinded eyes.

“I’ll reach farther to get the door, I know it’s there because master pulls this garbage trick every Sunday he cooks breakfast. Just got to reach a littttttle bit farther… oh shit look, my foots in the kitchen… Is this real life?”

*Sniff, sniff, sniff*

“I’M IN!” Ok bossman lets get to the business at hand…. BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON- Ok you’re right, now I’m calm, I’m sitting here, hook it up bruh.”

Add us on CyberDust: TheYuppieYinzer. 

Invented by Mark Cuban, Cyber Dust is a Secure, Speedy, and Free App that deletes your messages 24 seconds after they are read.

If you turn on the TV with no knowledge of what time of the year and see this 



Or this 

You can be certain the leaves are turning to orange and red because it’s fall. Little know fact, Madison Bumgarner is unhittable once October rolls around while Clayton Kershaw become the preferred arm in batting practice. Don’t believe me? Check the stats. 





So Claytons bad in the fall and Madison is great, but how does that help you in other months, say spring? Well great news, these guys flip flop roles with Bumgarner understanding rings aren’t won in March and maybe doesn’t bring that certain stuff he’s got in October. Look no further than his first start in spring for support. 



Naturally since the games don’t matter, Kershaw’s throwing his filthiest stuff. 



Go to work and get in a real pissy mood. When you come home pop this video on, grab a beer, and tell me it’s not the funniest thing you’ve seen all day.  If you can manage to successfully bring together two things that are polar opposites, in this case ET and Stone Cold Steve Austin, you’re on the cusp of comedy gold. Now where’s that beer?

Honorable mention, The Bar Mitzvah Boy

ALL ABOARD!!!!

To quote The Rock…

Its about damn time. I can’t even count the number of fight scenes Dwayne’s has been in since jumping into Hollywood at the turn of the century. From the big budget films like Fast & Furious to smaller projects like Snitch (don’t hate) he’s always getting into dust ups and never finishing guys the right way. Granted, when he started his career his agent(s) insisted on moving away from “The Rock,” but he switched to the guy Ari Gold is based on and his career has taken off. In 2013 his movies made some $1.3 billion worldwide, he won the WWE title & headlined Wrestlemania, and now has a show on HBO.

This post on Instagram is the latest in a series of posts hyping up his future endeavors. In addition to this one regarding “Furious 7” and his earthquake movie “San Andreas”, Dwayne’s giving us a great taste of what to expect from “Ballers.” Produced by Mark Wahlberg and expected to be a sportier “Entourage” The Rock stars as a player turned wannabe super agent in Miami. For a split second he dropped a picture of him in uniform. were one of the view to save the picture before it came down.

I’m in. Give The Rock’s a follow, he’s really generating a ton of content hyping up Ballers.

Don’t worry Le’Veon Bell is an equal opportunist hater, also going after NFL Network’s Mike Mayock

What is Le’Veon Bell even talking about? Is he sure he means the real Mel Kiper?

Le’Veon Bell is still salty over not making Kiper’s All Rookie Team in 2013. Kiper listed him the 23rd best rookie of 2013 but placed him behind Eddie Lacy, Gio Bernard, and Zac Stacy. Le’Veon Bell was 3rd in yards and tied for 2nd in total TD’s, hard to make a case for being the best.

Granted, Le’Veon Bell has worked his ass off to become one the best running backs in the NFL, but missed the playoffs with a knee injury.

Going back to Todd McShay…

Good luck demonstrating that ability next season when you miss the first 4 games of the season.

Oh man this guy is gonna fit in real nice. Old heads are skeptical he can beat out big bad Jordy Mercer but I’m all aboard the Kang Train.

If 40 taters in 117 games from a shortstop is your thing, (it is mine) then this hype train gonna fill up real quick.

Aw man poor Britney.  According to Google, Alopecia affects upwards of 3 million people a year, but the good news is it’s treatable and I’m sure Britney has some scheckles saved up. 

Just last week I declared Britney the winner of Smut Wars III over Xtina. With that kind of public praise, Britney needs to be sure her crew is on the up and up and keeps that weave tight.